


The Suckest Uppest

by Cordelia_Sun



Category: Spaced
Genre: Christmas Presents, Gen, Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-01 23:42:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2791991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cordelia_Sun/pseuds/Cordelia_Sun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The group get together at Christmas to exchange Secret Santa gifts.<br/>How bad can they be?<br/>And who bought what for whom?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Suckest Uppest

**Author's Note:**

> T Rated for swearing.

Marsha squinted at the package in her hands as the pictures on the wrapping paper swam in and out of focus. They were cupcakes. Pink cupcakes.

“Who puts cupcakes on a fucking Christmas present?” she muttered.

It was small; about eight inches long and a couple of inches wide. Her lip curled back in disappointment; she didn’t know what it was, but she did know it was not a bottle of Cinzano.

“Go on, open it.” encouraged Daisy, with a nudge and a wink, “I want to see what it is.”

“Looks like a dildo,” said Tim as he glanced up briefly from the TV.

Brian and Twist, sat together at the dining table, recoiled in horror and Daisy’s cheeks flushed; her mouth gaping like a goldfish. Marsha’s brows flew up as she regarded the gift with renewed interest and a twisted smile. She began to pull at the wrappings; ash falling into her lap from the cigarette in her hand.

“An _E_ -Cigarette?” she said as she inspected the box that emerged from the wrappings. She enunciated every letter imbuing each one with dripping scorn, “what the fuck is that when it’s at home?”

“Ahem, hem” said Twist, taking the box from Marsha’s hands and pointing out the writing on the back, “it’s the latest thing. Instead of smoking you inhale nicotine vapour. It comes in lots of different scented flavours. They’ll help you kick that filthy little habit and make everything, well, you know, smell a bit nicer around here. Much better don’t you think?”

Tim, Daisy and Mike exchanged a silent look as Marsha’s lips curled up into a scowl and her eyes narrowed. Invisible daggers flew from her eyes and buried themselves in Twist’s face.

“What do you mean _‘smell a bit nicer’_ ’” she said, in a dangerous tone.

“Well you probably don’t notice it, but _those_ are dirty smelly things.” Twist prodded Marsha’s cigarette hand with an exquisitely manicured finger, “You’ll be so much happier when you’ve got rid of them. Don’t you think?”

Marsha opened the box and took out the long thin e-cigarette. She inspected it carefully; her real cigarette hung precariously from the corner of her mouth. She fixed a glare on Twist who stared back with a sweet and oblivious expression.

“How far do you think I could shove it up your ars—”

“Why don’t we open another one?” Tim cut her off mid-sentence.

“I want mine next,” said Daisy, “get mine!”

Daisy scrambled on all fours across the floor and dove under the tree. Her pyjama-clad bottom stuck up in the air and waggled as she searched; sending baubles and tinsel flying as she rummaged around among the parcels.

“Ah ha!” she exclaimed pulling out a large round package. It was very heavy and wrapped haphazardly in newspaper and a ratty length of purple tinsel. Daisy’s brows drew together as she inspected it with more than a little concern.

“Open it then?” Marsha slurred as she poured herself a capacious glass of wine.

Daisy grinned and pulled off the tinsel and the brown packing tape that held the newspaper together to reveal a large rusty cylinder.

“Um…” Daisy said, casting uncertain looks around at the expectant faces of her friends, “I think it’s a land mine.”

“Another one?” Tim leaned over and gave it a firm tap with the tips of his fingers. Everyone gasped in unison and Daisy yanked it out of his reach.

“Stop that!”

“It can go in your collection.” Mike said with a nervous little smile.

“How very thoughtful,” said Daisy graciously and rolled her the eyes at Tim who answered with a shrug. She very carefully placed it on the shelf next to their other land mine.

Daisy gave a little sigh before she schooled her features into an expression of jolly cheerfulness, “Twist, do you want to open yours?”

“Yes please!” she squeaked and reached out for her gift with grabby hands.

Daisy handed her a long thin tube inexpertly wrapped in green elf paper. Twist opened it, wrinkling her nose as she unrolled the gift inside, and held it up for everyone to see. It was a magazine.

“Tatler?” said Daisy, “well that’s…nice. You like that don’t you?”

“Ahem…yes,” said Twist and inspected the cover, “Except _this_ is six months old. And there’s a sticker on it that says _'Property of Tufnell Park Medical Centre'_.”

Twist held the magazine up between her thumb and forefinger and dropped it daintily on the table with a look of revulsion on her face. Tim sunk down deeper into the beanbag and concentrated on the TV. 

Daisy shook her head, reached in again and pulled out another gift. She read the label and threw it over to Mike. He snatched it out of the air like a ninja and with a sweet and sheepish grin he opened the parcel. He pulled out a bundle of fabric and stood up to unfurl it revealing a cooks apron.

“Put it on then!” Marsha called out as she knocked back a large mouthful of wine.

“What do you think?” he asked, as he fastened the straps behind his back and stood with his hands on his hips. It was hot pink and striped; the picture on the front was a photographic image of a naked muscle-bound man. Impressive and anatomically correct. The girls tipped their heads as one and studied the picture with a nod of appreciation. Brian’s fingers fluttered nervously over his mouth.

There was a long silence. 

“Brian’s turn!” Daisy broke the lull as she stood up and passed him a square parcel also wrapped in green elf paper. She watched with a wide grin on her face.

He opened the parcel and looked curiously at the gift. It was a plain white mug.

“It’s beautiful.” He said, his voiced an awed whisper.

“It’s just a mug.” said Tim with a shrug.

“Yes, exactly.” He said with an enthusiastic nod, “It’s just a mug. Simple and unadorned. Unsullied by crass consumerism and base aesthetics. Just a mug. The beautiful marriage of simple form for simple function.”

He grinned maniacally and made a play of taking a big drink from the empty mug.

Printed on the bottom was the word;

**TWAT**

Tim tried the swallow a snigger and Daisy shot him a wildly annoyed look. Tim flashed her his most innocent expression and turned back to the TV. After a moment he seem to remember something.

“What about me?” he said, “where’s mine. Why am I last?”

He took his gift from Daisy’s outstretched hand and tore at the wrappings like an excitable toddler. His face fell when he saw what was inside.

“What the fuck is this bullshit!” he said, jumping up from the beanbag brandishing a DVD case at them all, “is someone taking the piss!”

He threw up his hands and let out a primal scream at the ceiling that lasted for an age. Then he stepped over the sleeping form of Colin the dog and stomped out of the room. The walls shook as he slammed his bedroom door behind him. A couple of seconds later the door opened; they turned as one to face it and Brian raised his finger, about to speak, when an object flew across the room and smacked him in the head. Twist leaned down and picked it up.

It was the DVD.

“The Phantom Menace?” she read, “I don’t understand?”

“I thought he liked Star Wars?” said Brian. He looked hurt and tears welled in his eyes…due, no doubt, to the DVD case in the face.

“We don’t talk about it,” said Mike and Daisy in unison.

 

 

 

The following year everyone just bought their own presents.


End file.
